Weight Watchers Ashes XI

In the spirit of A View From the Top’s recent Rugby League All Star teams comes a new series of cricket sides.

Following a similar structure to the Rugby League sides 11 players will be selected to form two sides, Combined Ashes Representatives vs The Rest of the World, across three categories; Weight Watchers, Rangas and Advanced Hair All Stars. Sides will be selected on a 6-1-4 batsman, wicket-keeper, bowlers ratio.

We get started with the Weight Watchers All Stars.

Weight Watchers Ashes XI

W.G. GRACE

The great English opening batsman is often regarded, statistically at least, as the second greatest batsman of all time. This of course makes him easily the greatest overweight batsman of all time, earning a spot at the top of the order. I’m told he was the first batsman to make a fist of scoring runs all around the wicket from both the front and back foots. Pioneer. Great beard too.

 

Mark TAYLOR

Former Australian captain affectionately nicknamed ‘Tubby’. What else can you say really? Had his best series in 1989 to kick start his own career and Australia’s cricketing revival.

David BOON

Short and stumpy ‘Boony’ grew a life of his own when VB released a set of miniature dolls a few seasons back. Tubby might have scored 700 runs in 1989 but every Aussie knows the Ashes were as good as won on the flight over when he consumed 52 beers on route to England. Legend.

Mike GATTING

Despite a distinguished Test career as England captain and a slew of controversies Gatting will always be remembered for one ball. Played a supporting role in Weight Watchers team mate SK Warne’s “Ball of the Century’. Part of that deliveries mystique was how the hell Warne was able to turn it around Gatting’s overweight body to find the stumps. Trialled as a goalkeeper for Wolverhampton Wanderers as a teenager but was told he was ‘too small and fat’ so turned to cricket.

Darren LEHMANN

New Australia coach Darren ‘Boof’ Lehmann is unlikely to be taking the squad for a fitness session anytime soon and even more unlikely to participate, but in his own right was quite the cricketer. Part of Australia’s dominant era Boof played fewer Tests then he deserved but is a walk up (very slow walk mind you) start to the Weight Watchers sponsored side.

Mark COSGROVE

Coming in at number 6 after Lehmann is a player wrongly referred to as ‘Mini Boof’ early in his career. While he may be of a similar ilk to Lehmann there is nothing mini about Mark Cosgrove. In our backyard we refer to the automatic trampoline fielder as Cozzy because of the similarities in size and movement.

Barry JARMAN

Slim pickings, so to speak, for the role of wicketkeeper and a quick consensus of Internet opinion has Barry Jarman taking the gloves. Challenged by Rod Marsh and Darren Berry but Jarman was no slouch himself captaining Australia for a short period during the 1950’s.

Warwick ARMSTRONG

Considered an all rounder Armstrong makes the side as a bowler. Officially the heaviest cricketer of all time at 22 stone Armstrong will score lower order runs and bowl his leg spinners in tandem with another Australian.

Shane WARNE

The greatest bowler of all time was banned for two years at the peak of his powers for taking a banned diet pill which highlights the issues he battled with weight throughout his career. Cricket Australia once had to send an SOS to Heinz for an emergency package of Baked Beans while Warnie was touring India.

Merv HUGHES

Like Grace and Boon, Hughes combines a bulging waist line with exorbitant facial hair. Merv is still renowned today for his ability to defy his physical appearance and bowl his last ball of the day with as much venom as his first.

Jimmy ORMOND

Only played a handful of Test matches and averages 90 with the ball but his quick retort to a Mark Waugh sledge earns Ormond his place as the second seamer. Mark Waugh is renowned for his ability to sledge from the slip cordon but Ormond quickly put that to rest with his reply, ‘at least I’m the best cricketer in my family’. With all the fat jokes flying around this side will need someone to verbally, at least, take the fight to the opposition.

Players to make the wider Ashes Weight Watchers squad include

Rob KEY

Colin MILBURN

Bill “Fatty” FOULKE

Benjamin AISLABIE - the worst cricketer of the lot. Seriously check him out, a specialist batsman that finished his career with an average of 3.15

Sami PATEL

Eddie Hemmings

The Rest of the World Weight Watchers will be unveiled shortly so hang tight for that one.