Weight Watchers Ashes XI

In the spirit of A View From the Top’s recent Rugby League All Star teams comes a new series of cricket sides.

Following a similar structure to the Rugby League sides 11 players will be selected to form two sides, Combined Ashes Representatives vs The Rest of the World, across three categories; Weight Watchers, Rangas and Advanced Hair All Stars. Sides will be selected on a 6-1-4 batsman, wicket-keeper, bowlers ratio.

We get started with the Weight Watchers All Stars.

Weight Watchers Ashes XI

W.G. GRACE

The great English opening batsman is often regarded, statistically at least, as the second greatest batsman of all time. This of course makes him easily the greatest overweight batsman of all time, earning a spot at the top of the order. I’m told he was the first batsman to make a fist of scoring runs all around the wicket from both the front and back foots. Pioneer. Great beard too.

 

Mark TAYLOR

Former Australian captain affectionately nicknamed ‘Tubby’. What else can you say really? Had his best series in 1989 to kick start his own career and Australia’s cricketing revival.

David BOON

Short and stumpy ‘Boony’ grew a life of his own when VB released a set of miniature dolls a few seasons back. Tubby might have scored 700 runs in 1989 but every Aussie knows the Ashes were as good as won on the flight over when he consumed 52 beers on route to England. Legend.

Mike GATTING

Despite a distinguished Test career as England captain and a slew of controversies Gatting will always be remembered for one ball. Played a supporting role in Weight Watchers team mate SK Warne’s “Ball of the Century’. Part of that deliveries mystique was how the hell Warne was able to turn it around Gatting’s overweight body to find the stumps. Trialled as a goalkeeper for Wolverhampton Wanderers as a teenager but was told he was ‘too small and fat’ so turned to cricket.

Darren LEHMANN

New Australia coach Darren ‘Boof’ Lehmann is unlikely to be taking the squad for a fitness session anytime soon and even more unlikely to participate, but in his own right was quite the cricketer. Part of Australia’s dominant era Boof played fewer Tests then he deserved but is a walk up (very slow walk mind you) start to the Weight Watchers sponsored side.

Mark COSGROVE

Coming in at number 6 after Lehmann is a player wrongly referred to as ‘Mini Boof’ early in his career. While he may be of a similar ilk to Lehmann there is nothing mini about Mark Cosgrove. In our backyard we refer to the automatic trampoline fielder as Cozzy because of the similarities in size and movement.

Barry JARMAN

Slim pickings, so to speak, for the role of wicketkeeper and a quick consensus of Internet opinion has Barry Jarman taking the gloves. Challenged by Rod Marsh and Darren Berry but Jarman was no slouch himself captaining Australia for a short period during the 1950’s.

Warwick ARMSTRONG

Considered an all rounder Armstrong makes the side as a bowler. Officially the heaviest cricketer of all time at 22 stone Armstrong will score lower order runs and bowl his leg spinners in tandem with another Australian.

Shane WARNE

The greatest bowler of all time was banned for two years at the peak of his powers for taking a banned diet pill which highlights the issues he battled with weight throughout his career. Cricket Australia once had to send an SOS to Heinz for an emergency package of Baked Beans while Warnie was touring India.

Merv HUGHES

Like Grace and Boon, Hughes combines a bulging waist line with exorbitant facial hair. Merv is still renowned today for his ability to defy his physical appearance and bowl his last ball of the day with as much venom as his first.

Jimmy ORMOND

Only played a handful of Test matches and averages 90 with the ball but his quick retort to a Mark Waugh sledge earns Ormond his place as the second seamer. Mark Waugh is renowned for his ability to sledge from the slip cordon but Ormond quickly put that to rest with his reply, ‘at least I’m the best cricketer in my family’. With all the fat jokes flying around this side will need someone to verbally, at least, take the fight to the opposition.

Players to make the wider Ashes Weight Watchers squad include

Rob KEY

Colin MILBURN

Bill “Fatty” FOULKE

Benjamin AISLABIE - the worst cricketer of the lot. Seriously check him out, a specialist batsman that finished his career with an average of 3.15

Sami PATEL

Eddie Hemmings

The Rest of the World Weight Watchers will be unveiled shortly so hang tight for that one.

Fuck the DRS

Stuart Broad edged to first slip. Not out. Brad Haddin feathered to the keeper. Not out. One apiece you would think.

To be clear, I have absolutely no problem with a player not walking. In Year 12 I nicked one to first slip, stood my ground and was given not out. The next ball I let everyone around me know I had smashed it, and told the umpire I couldn’t believe he had missed it. I went on to make a match winning score in our only win of the season but a week later I smashed one onto my pads and was given out by the same umpire. Swings and roundabouts as they say.

For over100 years Test match cricket has functioned perfectly fine on the premise that umpires umpire and players play. Quite simply that’s how it should be.

England can point to the dismissal of Jonathon Trott as the evener for Stuart Broad’s howler but Phillip Hughes 51% of the ball pitching in line with leg stump was just as contentious as Trott’s.

At the end of the day this has been one of the best Test matches of my lifetime, without a doubt top three, and the focus of this article is the Decision Review System.

I guess its well played to England. They won the Test match by using their reviews better than the other team. Because after all that’s what cricket is all about isn’t it?

Call me a whinger if you like but I hate the DRS. Always have and always will. We were better off without it when Dar’s Broad clanger would have paid for itself with another chance for Brad Haddin at the death. The result might not have changed but at least we would have poetic justice.

The best news about it all is that the cricket is back on Thursday. Strap yourself in!!

Ashton Agar is Having a Laugh

Just two days ago A View From the Top wrote a lengthy article entitled ‘The Ashes A New Hope’ in which I detailed the need for a batsman or two to stand up to be counted in this Ashes series and give us a reasonable chance. Ashton Agar was nowhere to be seen in that article, and nor should he have been. We now know he is a 19 year old rookie of a dozen first class games picked from relative obscurity to bowl left arm orthodox and bat at no 11. 

At the end of Day 2 he is the world record holder on multiple fronts. The leading contributor to the world record tenth wicket partnership, world record score for a number 11 in Test match cricket, world record score for a number 11 representing Australia in any form of cricket, first number 11 to score a half century on debut and heartbreakingly close to doubling up and becoming the first number 11 to notch a century in Test cricket.

I like most cricket fans assumed that Agar had stayed on in England as a developmental prospect to gain experience and feed off the experience of a UK Ashes Tour. Remember he wasn’t even a member of the original touring party but was in England for the A Tour last month.

His selection for the First Test was an anomaly of the social media era of professional sport in that just about everyone was taken off guard by it. In my opinion this reflects very well on the change of culture and impact that Boof Lehmann has already had on this cricket side. The fact that there were no leaks of his selection and the world’s media didn’t find out about it until Glenn McGrath presented him with his Baggy Green and couldn’t confirm the selection until the toss demonstrates that the dressing room has come together in a manner that we haven’t seen for quite a while.

Agar highlights another shining light of Lehmann’s short tenure as Australian cricket coach. The fearlessness to pick a 19 year old relatively unproven cricketer is one thing but to enable him to play without the burden of expectation that our players have seemingly been weighed down by in the past is another. The highlight of this two day Test for me was Agar running over to his younger brothers to share a laugh at the change of innings, or walking off the field having fallen two runs short of a maiden Test century sharing a laugh with Phillip Hughes. 

It’s so refreshing to see a kid representing Australia enjoying the moment. Sometimes as fans we get caught up in wanting players to ‘show’ how much they care but at the end of the day as players you need to be able to appreciate and enjoy the moment. Ashton Agar will never again debut for Australia and score 98 and you shouldn’t lose sight if just how enjoyable moments like that should be.

Lehmann has indicated in the media already that he wants his players to enjoy playing a tough and aggressive brand of cricket but be relaxed and approachable off the field. Importantly he makes the point that cricket will naturally be more enjoyable when you winning and at the end of the day there is a reason we keep score. But as life has taught Lehmann there are things more important than a game of cricket. The sudden death of David Hookes is a major influence on the sporting philosophy of Lehmann and so far you would say the change in atmosphere around the side has been positive.

Needless to say Day 2 and perhaps the First Test belong to 19 year old debutant Ashton Agar. On Day 1 he appeared a little tense at the crease and England’s batting collapse meant that he wasn’t required to bowl all that much anyway. Towards the end of Day 2 buoyed by the confidence that comes with writing your name into history with the bat, Agar showed himself to be a hugely promising bowler. Bowling into the rough to Alistair Cook in the final session he was able to extract turn and bounce to extract a few half (probably quarter) chances and demonstrate the benefit of turning the ball away from right-handers but beating the outside edge of Kevin Pieterson a number of times. 

Although England only made 213 in the first innings the improvement in Agar’s bowling reflected the more disciplined performance from the Australian bowlers as they bowled very tightly and refused to bowl the one or two boundary balls an over that were hallmarks of the first innings. As a result England approach stumps, as I’m writing this article, 2 for 80 off 40 overs. It is crucial that for the rest of today’s play and for the rest of this innings that we make England work extremely hard for each run because this pitch is only going to get harder and harder to bat on.

Needless to say Australia are only in the relatively strong position that they find themselves in because of a once in a lifetime knock from a 19 year old number 11. The responsibility now falls on the frontline quicks and top 6 batters to seize the opportunity before them and take a vital 1 nil lead in The Ashes. If they do I’m betting Agar will be $1.01 to take Man of the Match honours.

The Ashes Episode IV: A New Hope

They say the night is darkest before the dawn. Well let me tell you the night can’t get any bloody darker for Australian cricket. 

Coming off the back of an absolute shellacking from a country that barely cares for Test cricket isn’t even the worst of it. As hard as we’ve tried to forget it Shane Watson is for another few hours at least, the incumbent Test match captain. Oh how the mighty have fallen, from Steve Waugh to Shane Watson. Just writing that sentence hurt.

Alas Cricket Australia sought to immediately, well almost immediately, sack the man responsible for this national travesty by replacing Mickey Arthur with Darren Lehmann as head coach. Boof’s honeymoon period unfortunately only lasted days when he announced that his first action as coach would be to reinstate Shane Watson to the top of the order alongside Chris Rogers. Watson remarked that it felt like a return to his ‘halcyon glory days’ as a Test match opener alongside Simon Katich. I beg to differ, 75 innings, 2 centuries and a career average of 35,  are certainly not statistics to be proud of, nor were there actually any ‘glory days’ for which to refer to. To repay Lehmann’s faith Watson will need to spearhead Australia’s batting with a series average of 60 plus and at least 3 centuries from the five Test series in England. I for one won’t be holding my breath.

The decision to return Watson to the top of the order is at the expense of three time centurion from 35 innings’ David Warner who is coming off a miserable tour of India and an enforced ban from competitive cricket for punching Englishman Joe Root. Seriously whatever happened to a pat on the back?

Warner will likely feature in the middle order of this series and his ability to take the game away from England inside a session is invaluable. If Warner can rediscover the touch that saw him post the most impressive Australian century in recent memory against New Zealand in Hobart,  Australia will be a long way towards posting competitive targets.

In 1989 the ‘worst Australian side to tour English shores’ retuned to Australia with the urn in hand to kick start a period of sustained dominance only broken by the greatest Ashes series ever in 2005. The Ashes tour of ’89 made the Test careers of Mark Taylor and Stephen Waugh and Australia will need breakout series from at least two of Usman Khawaja, David Warner, Steve Smith and Phil Hughes to remain competitive. 

Khawaja is the darling of the disconnected Australian cricket fan but has by and large been underwhelming in his efforts to date at International level and while he has performed satisfactorily at domestic level a Sheffield Shield season average of 40 does not demand Test match selection. He enters the 2013 Ashes with half the Test matches of Steve Waugh in 1989 but the same amount of Test centuries, zero. Without a doubt Khawaja will get an opportunity to prove himself during this series, if he manages to take that opportunity Australia will be a much stronger side.

Dave Warner has held a Test average of 50 for a considerable period of his brief career to date and will need to adjust to batting in the middle order if he is to be successful on this tour. Without a doubt a complete and utter tool, all will be forgotten if runs are scored, just ask Warney.

Steve Smith has tasted Ashes competition in the past and performed as well as could be expected in the circumstances. Has had two stints in the Test team and is yet to cement a position even in the squad. A late call up from the Australia A tour Smith will need to seize any opportunity that comes his way, like the Warner suspension which has him poised for First Test selection.

Phil Hughes is the most decorated of this group of four batsmen, bursting onto the scene with twin centuries before being dropped in the last UK series. Seemingly worked out his flaws and returned to the side for a disastrous series against New Zealand and Chris Martin only to be dropped and forced to work his back again. Has experienced significant success in County cricket and hopefully this translates into a confident and dominant performance from Hughes. He can use this double series to cement his position within the side for the next decade. Has the potential to play all five Tests and return to Australia with a sub 100 or post 1000 run aggregate for the series. Here’s hoping for the latter.

In the bowling department, there are less problems with performance and ability but a hell of a lot more fitness concerns. Ryan Harris and James Pattinson are far and away our two best bowlers and if these two can stay fit have the potential to rip the heart out of the English batting lineup inside a session. They are two of the most tremendously quick, combative and skilful bowlers in world cricket right now and getting them on the field is absolutely imperative.

Peter Siddle will perform his usual war horse duties while Nathan Lyon needs to return selectors faith by at least matching the output of Swann throughout series.

Mitchell Starc is the most exciting young bowling talent in world cricket right now and in our best bowling attack when on song. When off song however Starc is not good enough for park cricket and when he gets his chance, which he no doubt will at some stage, it is fingers crossed that he manages to bowl the unplayable gems we have seen him deliver in white ball cricket.

Basically if the Australian Test side performs to their career performances to date we will return home with our tails between our legs. The great thing about the future however is its unpredictability and for now I prefer to think of the upcoming Ashes series as the coming of age of Australia’s new team of world beaters. Watson , Hughes, Khawaja, Smith, Warner, Pattinson, Starc and Lyon have an opportunity to cement positions in not only the Australian cricket team for years to come but in Australian sporting folklore by coming of age on the grandest stage of all.