The Advanced Hair All Stars 1992-Present

Just as the Indigenous All Stars need an NRL All Stars side to play against each year last year’s 1992-Present Ranga All Stars will need opposition to play against. In the shape of the Advanced Hair Studio sponsored Prematurely Balding All Stars 1992-Present, I think we have found more than worthy opposition.

Fullback

As a future Immortal Darren Lockyer is a walk up start at fullback. One of the greatest players of the modern era he was too busy picking up Premiership winning temperament while the rest of us were lined up for a long lasting head of hair. Whose happier?

Wing

Captain Coach and first player picked is Wayne Bennett. No wait a minute that’s Scott Minto. Given the less than flattering moniker of ‘40-20’ Minto is the Prematurely-Balding All Stars ‘Preston Campbell’, the inspiration and catalyst for the concept.  

Centre

The Black Pearl Steve Renouf played most of his career with headgear. Thousands upon thousands of sports administrators and footy Mums out there assume that these helmets are sported to protect the head. In reality Renouf was just trying to hide his premature baldness. Early reports are that Renouf is still in balding denial and refusing to accept his invitation to the side.

Centre

The other centre is just as steadfast in his balding denial. Illawarra Steelers superstar Mary McGreggor is adamant that the hairless head he sported throughout his career was purely optional and he could have grown his hair out if he wanted. We don’t believe him and have selected him in the backline ahead of Matt Geyer and the McDougall brothers Adam and Luke.

Wing

Made his debut in front of 110,000 fans at ANZ Stadium as a 17 year old. It really doesn’t get much better than that, does it? For Luke Burt he could have debuted in front of a handful of punters at Adelaide Oval against the mighty Adelaide Rams and it wouldn’t have gotten any better for he was about to lose his hair.

Five Eighth

Laurie Daley. The boy from Junee appears to have already indulged in a little of the naming rights sponsor’s treatments. The usually irreversible balding process was somehow reversed by Laurie and all of New South Wales is hoping that he can have the same impact in State of Origin sooner rather than later.

Halfback

Quite possibly the toughest player of all time, or the stupidest was Geoff Toovey. Never scared to put his head in front of a ball carriers knee in an effort to halt their forward progression Tooves can add baldness to toothlessness on his online dating profiles.

Front Row

Jason Akermanis performed handstands after winning Grand Finals with the Brisbane Lions. Anybody that’s completed Year 5 gymnastics knows that the cartwheel is the natural progression of a handstand and it was Glenn Lazarus in 1999 that demonstrated just how far ahead of the AFL rugby league is when he performed a 125kg cartwheel years before Aker’s handstands at the MCG. Jason Akermanis is now captain coaching the O&M cellar dwellers North Albury while big Lazo is going bald. How the mighty have fallen.

Hooker

None of the players selected in this side have stories more tragic than that of St George hooker Nathan Brown. Apart from narrowly missing a Grand Final victory in 1999, having his career cut short by a neck injury and Preliminary final appearances as a coach the true tragedy of Brownie is what happened to the luscious mop of hair he sported early in his career.

Front Row

Big Michael Weyman must feel a little embarrassed if he has to get ready for a game next to the likes of Matt Cooper. Blessed with a terribly sloppy body and without a hair to spare on top of his head Weyman is advised to get ready for games next to the tall midget Jamie Soward. That will do wonders for his self esteem.

Second Row

The Raging Bull Gordon Tallis, is another walk up start and the third Australian captain selected in the side. What Gordy lacks in hair he made up for ten fold in intimidation stakes. A seriously scary prospect on the field Tallis is one player that is not in danger of being sledged for his lack of hair - or anything else for that matter.

Second Row

There are many theories for determining the likelihood of baldness. Whatever you believe in the Geyer family are undoubtedly ‘baldies’. Loose cannon Mark Geyer is as mad as a cut snake it is hoped the Ranga’s will be the red to MG’s bull and fns can be entertained by the sheer physicality of Penrith’s mountain man. 

Lock

Shane Webcke once picked a fight with Kevin Campion. The great Queenslander is still seeing stars. Needless to say with Gordy, MG and Campion in the backrow not too many sides will be going the knuckle with this lineup, despite how old and geriatric they may appear.

Well there you have it. With a selection panel of one we have managed to select an Advanced Hair Representative side to raise awareness for baldness in an annual charity match against the Ranga’s who are raising awareness for the plight of fanta-pants sufferers across the country. 

With more than a few controversial selections across the sides the scene is set for spiteful encounters.